Peace Corps Adventure Quest!!
Note that this is not intended as a criticism of anyone, except possibly myself.
ENTER THE NAME OF YOUR CHARACTER:
IDEALISTICYOUTH, ENTER YOUR EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND:
- BS, natural sciences
INSUFFICIENT QUALIFICATIONS FOR PEACE CORPS ADVENTURE QUEST. YOU MUST SPEND SEVERAL WEEKS DOING VOLUNTEER WORK THAT WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR MISSION IN PEACE CORPS ADVENTURE QUEST.
JUST DO IT!
(three months pass)
- Now am I qualified?
ENTER YOUR DENTAL RECORDS AND MEDICAL EXAMINATIONS:
- Here you go.
NOW ROLL THE DICE FOR YOUR COUNTRY ASSIGNMENT:
IdealisticYouth rolls dice.
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ASSIGNMENT IN (COUNTRY)! YOUR MISSION WILL BE THE FOLLOWING: SAVE THE EARTH. ARE YOU PREPARED?
LIAR! YOU WILL FIRST BE REQUIRED TO SPEND THREE MONTHS IN PRE-MISSION TRAINING.
- Oh, ok.
CHARACTER SUCCESSFULLY CREATED. YOU'RE READY TO BEGIN PEACE CORPS ADVENTURE QUEST!
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a Hero, who lived in the prosperous land of “Yousa”. The Hero lived a happy, carefree childhood, frolicking with his friends in the forests and cities of his country. But as the Hero grew older, he began to learn of other lands, far away from Yousa, where the people were not happy or carefree. He heard from his elders that there were places where the people were sad and miserable all the time because they had less stuff, and gradually he began to feel that he wanted to do something to help these people in the other, less happy lands, such as (country). So the Hero set out on a quest to (country), to make everything all better for the people who lived there, so that everyone in the world could have lots of stuff and be happy, forever.
WELCOME TO (COUNTRY)! asd!”·$ weeble 241 lkja jork blarg?
YOUR LEVEL IN THE LOCAL LANGUAGE SKILL IS INSUFFICIENT. YOU WILL BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU REACH LEVEL "MEDIUM". BEGIN TRAINING!
IdealisticYouth trains 12 hours.
YOU ARE READY FOR YOUR FIRST SUB-QUEST. YOU MUST GO TO THE MARKET AND BUY SOME FOOD.
IdealisticYouth goes to the market
Man: Glarble blork buy weru sok gonk mango?
Man: Mango nerk ouwen snark you buy?
IdealisticYouth buys mango.
Dire Mango: Triple threat stomach attack!
Idealistic Youth vomits
Idealistic Youth vomits
Idealistic Youth gets horrible diarrhea
IdealisticYouth loses 5 pounds
- Oh well, I didn’t want ‘em anyways.
IdealisticYouth trains some more
IdealisticYouth levels up!
YOU ARE NOW LEVEL "MEDIUM" IN LANGUAGE! YOU ARE WMERL TO BEGIN SIJ MEK IN PEACE CORPS ADVENTURE FWITZ.
- But I still didn’t understand…
SURE YOU DID. OFF YOU GO.
YOUR FIRST SUB-QUEST IS TO LOCATE LOCAL PEOPLE AND GAIN THEIR TRUST. READYSETGO!
- Now this, I can do.
IdealisticYouth encounters Local Guy 1.
Local guy 1: What’s your name?
Local guy 1: Beef rib?
Local guy 1: Walleye?
Local guy 1: Okay, Meester. Nice to meet you.
YOUR NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED TO MEESTER!
Local guy 1: So you’re a Hero, huh, Meester?
- Well, I wouldn’t exactly put it that way.
Local guy 2: Sure he is. He’s from Yousa. I hear everyone there lives in a marble palace and has superpowers.
- Not me.
Local guy 1: Wow, a Hero!. Hey, wanna be our friend?
YOU HAVE MADE TWO FRIENDS!
FIRST SUB-QUEST COMPLETED.
- Wow, that was easy.
DON'T GET TOO COCKY, WISE GUY.
YOUR SECOND SUB-QUEST IS TO ENCOUNTER THE MYTHICAL LOST TREASURE OF THE PROJECT GRANT FUNDING AND USE IT TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY, FOREVER.
- Leave it to me!
Meester does essentially nothing for a few months
Engineer Man: Project Grant Funding! Getcher Project Grant funding here!
- You know where the lost Treasure of the Project Grant Funding is?
Engineer Man: Of course I do. All you have to do to find it is fill out this ancient Application Form, and you will find the mythical Project Grant Funding in four to six weeks.
Meester fills out the ancient Application Form
Engineer Man: And find the legendary artifacts “Map of the Project” and “List of Beneficiaries”
Meester finds the artifacts
Engineer Man: And prove ye worthiness in the ancient rite of “Cost Analysis”
Meester undergoes the ancient rite of Cost Analysis
Engineer Man: And provide…
- Why didn’t you tell me about all this in the first place?
Engineer Man: Your mind was not yet prepared, my son.
- So what else do I need to do to attain the mythical Project Grant Funding?
Engineer Man: To prove ye worthiness, ye must also make a “Timeline” of the “Activities” ye will undertake with the mythical Project Grant Funding. Then ye quest will be fulfilled in four to six weeks.
Meester makes Timeline of Activcities
Meester waits for six months doing essentially nothing
Engineer Man: Hearken! The format of the ancient Application Form has been updated. Ye must now fill out the Modern Application Form! Then in four to six weeks ye may obtain the mythical Project Grant Funding.
Meester fills out the Modern Application Form
Meester waits three months
Engineer Man: Hear me, meester! Ye must undergo the ancient rite of “Cost Analysis” once more, because ye failed to divide a part of the mythical Project Grant Funding in observance of the sacred custom of “Paying Me to Supervise.”
- Are you just making all of this up?
Engineer Man: Ye dare question the Engineer Man?
- Fine, I’ll undergo the ancient rite of “Cost Analysis again…”
WHOOPS, YOUR PEACE CORPS ADVENTURE QUEST TIME LIMIT HAS RUN OUT.
- What? Did I complete my quest? Did I save the earth?